Thanks for sharing the drama triangle in reference to writing memoir - this is a topic that's fascinating to me too. I wonder if, in essence, this is about whether or not we identify with our ego... I love the Eckhart Tolle teaching that says, whenever I think I'm superior or inferior to anyone else, that's the ego in me. And this is not to say the ego is "bad" - it's a very necessary and useful part of being human. Although if we're *identified* with ego, the truth of my own experience is that that is when I get into trouble - which I think may be what you're pointing towards when you say to write yourself as a jerk?
There's even a lot of ego in identifying as Victim: "I'm so morally superior, I'd never do what the Persecutor did."
It's as though writing memoir requires us to first be aware of our ego, and also then to own the darkest, shadowy parts of our character, which is a vulnerable act in itself that requires great courage. Also I've found that when I can hold my ego like a beloved pet and laugh at it when it tries to be in charge - which it often tries to 😉 - this helps me to not take myself so seriously. Which makes me think of the wisdom: When the ego cries, the soul rejoices❤️🙏🕊️
Thanks, Camilla! Interesting points about ego. Sometimes the "voice of innocence" and "voice of experience" can capture the split you describe, precisely because we are so unaware of the ego as young people. But even for episodes later in life, "innocence" is often a form of blindness. We're immersed in anger or grief or trauma, and so we can't see where the ego is in the mix. Only with distance can we sort some of that out. I often find that good essays move between those two modes, immersing us in moments and then, at intervals, making meaning of them.
The one area where I might gently disagree is that the hunger to create art requires some degree of ego. We might be creating art in service of others, the way I often hope to give a gift of beauty or insight to a reader. But the impulse to create can never be wholly self-effacing -- we also do it for ourselves, don't we? This is where Buddhism doesn't work for me. Desire might be the source of all suffering, but it's also the source of pleasure, the original impulse for aesthetics. So I find that I don't want to kill my ego altogether.
Thanks so much for the interesting response Joshua. "Sometimes the "voice of innocence" and "voice of experience" can capture the split you describe, precisely because we are so unaware of the ego as young people." This makes me wonder if you've read Sue Silverman's work? Sue was my 4th semester (and favorite) advisor for my MFA at VCFA and I believe it was she who first coined the terms "voice of innocence" and "voice of experience." She wrote about it for Brevity: https://brevitymag.com/craft-essays/innocence-experience/
"The one area where I might gently disagree is that the hunger to create art requires some degree of ego." This would make for a fun debate as I believe any form of creativity is inextricably connected with spirituality, which by (maybe my?) definition does not involve ego.
And yes, I agree 100% I don't want to kill my ego either, I just want to be aware of it and not identified with it (spiritual practice/meditation has helped me with this.) And the same goes for desire - I love desire AND I know that if I'm unconsciously identified with desire, it can cause me to suffer. Meditation has helped me to gain insight into a kind of spaciousness around things like ego and desire - to not be identified with them. And of course these are just words pointing towards a phenomenon/kind of an abstract idea - the words are of course not the actual experience. Which brings to mind the old adage of being able to read a description of a pomegranate, but until I've actually tasted one myself, it's just a kind of theory or intellectual understanding...
And this is what I find fun about Substack - this kind of cross pollination of ideas and evolution of consciousness❤️🙏🕊️
I don’t read your memoir that way, Mary. But I think I’m saying that we all have some jerkiness in our past and leaning into it can be useful at times.
This was such a powerful read, and reminds me why good writing stands out -- not just Ofri's, but yours. I'd never really thought about it before, but there's an aspect of many memoirs that nags my mind, in which a narrator makes feints at being humble but is never quite willing to go there. I get it, it's hard and humiliating at times, but the very best stories, like these, show why it matters.
Excellent essay with much to ponder on (as I write an auto-fiction). My experience so far of writing, as I’m nearing the end of the first draft, is that even though you think you have done all the growing and changing, there is always more growing to be found. So much of what I have written on the page - even with a clear outline! - has taken me by surprise! So many uncomfortable truths I subconsciously buried and didn’t want to face resurfaced in writing. It’s been the most intense, and liberating therapy. And, surprisingly, a joy to write. I can’t explain why. But I feel so much lighter for it (and, physically lighter too, as I have also lost weight and got so much stronger). I still don’t know where the book will take me and how it will end, even though I have lived the story! I am looking forward to the surprises! :)
Hi Joshua,
Thanks for sharing the drama triangle in reference to writing memoir - this is a topic that's fascinating to me too. I wonder if, in essence, this is about whether or not we identify with our ego... I love the Eckhart Tolle teaching that says, whenever I think I'm superior or inferior to anyone else, that's the ego in me. And this is not to say the ego is "bad" - it's a very necessary and useful part of being human. Although if we're *identified* with ego, the truth of my own experience is that that is when I get into trouble - which I think may be what you're pointing towards when you say to write yourself as a jerk?
There's even a lot of ego in identifying as Victim: "I'm so morally superior, I'd never do what the Persecutor did."
It's as though writing memoir requires us to first be aware of our ego, and also then to own the darkest, shadowy parts of our character, which is a vulnerable act in itself that requires great courage. Also I've found that when I can hold my ego like a beloved pet and laugh at it when it tries to be in charge - which it often tries to 😉 - this helps me to not take myself so seriously. Which makes me think of the wisdom: When the ego cries, the soul rejoices❤️🙏🕊️
And I get plenty of practice with my ego crying😂
Thanks, Camilla! Interesting points about ego. Sometimes the "voice of innocence" and "voice of experience" can capture the split you describe, precisely because we are so unaware of the ego as young people. But even for episodes later in life, "innocence" is often a form of blindness. We're immersed in anger or grief or trauma, and so we can't see where the ego is in the mix. Only with distance can we sort some of that out. I often find that good essays move between those two modes, immersing us in moments and then, at intervals, making meaning of them.
The one area where I might gently disagree is that the hunger to create art requires some degree of ego. We might be creating art in service of others, the way I often hope to give a gift of beauty or insight to a reader. But the impulse to create can never be wholly self-effacing -- we also do it for ourselves, don't we? This is where Buddhism doesn't work for me. Desire might be the source of all suffering, but it's also the source of pleasure, the original impulse for aesthetics. So I find that I don't want to kill my ego altogether.
Thanks so much for the interesting response Joshua. "Sometimes the "voice of innocence" and "voice of experience" can capture the split you describe, precisely because we are so unaware of the ego as young people." This makes me wonder if you've read Sue Silverman's work? Sue was my 4th semester (and favorite) advisor for my MFA at VCFA and I believe it was she who first coined the terms "voice of innocence" and "voice of experience." She wrote about it for Brevity: https://brevitymag.com/craft-essays/innocence-experience/
"The one area where I might gently disagree is that the hunger to create art requires some degree of ego." This would make for a fun debate as I believe any form of creativity is inextricably connected with spirituality, which by (maybe my?) definition does not involve ego.
And yes, I agree 100% I don't want to kill my ego either, I just want to be aware of it and not identified with it (spiritual practice/meditation has helped me with this.) And the same goes for desire - I love desire AND I know that if I'm unconsciously identified with desire, it can cause me to suffer. Meditation has helped me to gain insight into a kind of spaciousness around things like ego and desire - to not be identified with them. And of course these are just words pointing towards a phenomenon/kind of an abstract idea - the words are of course not the actual experience. Which brings to mind the old adage of being able to read a description of a pomegranate, but until I've actually tasted one myself, it's just a kind of theory or intellectual understanding...
And this is what I find fun about Substack - this kind of cross pollination of ideas and evolution of consciousness❤️🙏🕊️
I just hope I've not been any of the three in my memoir. And I hope not a jerk either.
I don’t read your memoir that way, Mary. But I think I’m saying that we all have some jerkiness in our past and leaning into it can be useful at times.
Thank you! Feinting at humility is exactly right. It’s very hard not to fall into that trap.
This was such a powerful read, and reminds me why good writing stands out -- not just Ofri's, but yours. I'd never really thought about it before, but there's an aspect of many memoirs that nags my mind, in which a narrator makes feints at being humble but is never quite willing to go there. I get it, it's hard and humiliating at times, but the very best stories, like these, show why it matters.
Wonderful lesson here! Thank you, Joshua. I will read it again and take notes!
Glad it resonated!
Excellent essay with much to ponder on (as I write an auto-fiction). My experience so far of writing, as I’m nearing the end of the first draft, is that even though you think you have done all the growing and changing, there is always more growing to be found. So much of what I have written on the page - even with a clear outline! - has taken me by surprise! So many uncomfortable truths I subconsciously buried and didn’t want to face resurfaced in writing. It’s been the most intense, and liberating therapy. And, surprisingly, a joy to write. I can’t explain why. But I feel so much lighter for it (and, physically lighter too, as I have also lost weight and got so much stronger). I still don’t know where the book will take me and how it will end, even though I have lived the story! I am looking forward to the surprises! :)
Thank you, Imola! Discovery is key. Very glad to hear that your book (and your own life) continues to surprise you :)
Thank you Joshua. These discoveries are not always “nice”, but necessary. And I always appreciate them.