Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, am an NPE and the memoir I’ve written is all about this discovery, its aftermath, and the psychological underpinnings that complicated it all. I was struck by a word you used describing the moment if your discovery—vertigo. Dani Shapiro had that same experience. As do I…though my unmooring was lasting. It’s so hard to understand why something that “changes everything but changes nothing” can feel so destabilizing. I so relate to your experiences and am glad you kept pursuing in order to know the truth.
WHOA, Eric. This is huge. Thank you for sharing your story, and with such compelling writing. The best word I can think to describe how this must feel (not knowing myself how it feels) is unmooring. I did 23andMe years ago too, and specifically chose not to identify potential relatives or be identified. We have some truly nutty distant cousins, but that’s all we know about. I really couldn’t bear to know anything more.
One of my four siblings - a brother - is a bit unhinged in very similar ways to my paternal uncle (my dad’s half brother), who lived next door to us growing up. There have long been jokes in my family that he was sired by my uncle. The funny thing is, this brother and I are the only two redheads out of the five of us. Might I have also been sired by my uncle? I can’t bear the thought and heft of all of this. I’m grateful to have my father’s cheekbones to anchor me into reality (or at least to my perceptions).
How are things now with your parents? And do you have any siblings with whom you were raised?
The fascinating text that pops up when I place my pointer over the illustration at top of article appears to be the description fed into the AI that generated it. An arresting image, and it’s interesting what the AI (presumably) selected to associate with “fractured identity,” etc. For example, the scientist appears to be wearing googly eyes gag glasses. Seems to me this image could just as easily illustrate psychosis or a 60s sci-fi novel.
Lovely, Eric -- and great questions about the ethics of these situations. As you say, it does seem like full transparency is the best policy with kids. Knowing our roots is important. It's why I turned to genealogy after leaving academia, searching for a deeper foundation for rebuilding my identity. I hope those conversations continue to unfold with openness and compassion in your family.
I also like your phrase "cellular kismet." It's so strange that many of us experience that even within our own families. During my own genealogical research, I discovered that DNA isn't split equally among one's children. For instance, my ex-wife's Italian genes might be overrepresented in one of our kids, whereas another child might have a disproportionate share of my Czech genes. There are probably limits to how deterministic those gene sets are -- how "baked-in" certain traits might be. But even as the biological child of my parents, I often experienced a kind of dysphoria, thinking I was breaking from family tradition by going to college. When I discovered that one of my great grandfathers had been a professor, I had an awakening similar to yours -- a homecoming to the self, you might say.
We're all hungry for answers to the mystery of self. I think this is why almost everyone who does an ancestry DNA analysis ends up saying "That explains a lot."
I’m 66 years old and 5 years ago I did my DNA test through 23 & me and also Ancestry. My cousin who also did hers ended up not being my cousin. But I found new cousins I had no idea about. So I contacted my new found cousin to find out how we were related. Very long story short, her mother was one of my mom’s friends in high school. Her mother had one sibling, a brother. I asked my mom about them and she acknowledged that she knew them. Then I told her that he was my father and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. So I contacted my new found dad and he denied it and acted like I was a scammer. So I gave up. I’m very close to my mom and she is 87 years old. I haven’t brought the subject up again since she said she didn’t want to talk about it.
I feel like an imposter in my family and looking back on my childhood with my mom, dad and older brother I remember always feeling like I didn’t fit in. My dad always favored my brother. My dad that raised me is gone now. He died before I found out. But the consequences of finding all of this out and my mom not wanting to tell me is very disorienting.
Dear Eric, Thank you for this well-written and compelling story. I am part of a research team (led by Dr. Patricia Hershberger at the Univ of Michigan) developing a tool that parents who have used IVF can use to help in the process of disclosing origins to their child. Your story is very consistent with the research on adults who have not learned of their origins as adopted persons until adulthood -- known as "Late Discovery Adoptees" in the literature. They report feelings such as yours --- as if the floor had fallen out from underneath them, and, as you noted, their identity had been upended. Thanks for your writing; I have shared it with the other co-investigators on our team. If you want to discuss offline, my email is hgroteva@umass.edu. I am the director (emeritus) of the Rudd Adoption Research Program at UMass Amherst. It's important for stories such as yours to be shared.
Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, am an NPE and the memoir I’ve written is all about this discovery, its aftermath, and the psychological underpinnings that complicated it all. I was struck by a word you used describing the moment if your discovery—vertigo. Dani Shapiro had that same experience. As do I…though my unmooring was lasting. It’s so hard to understand why something that “changes everything but changes nothing” can feel so destabilizing. I so relate to your experiences and am glad you kept pursuing in order to know the truth.
Great story Eric. I’m glad you were able to get some closure on your heritage.
WHOA, Eric. This is huge. Thank you for sharing your story, and with such compelling writing. The best word I can think to describe how this must feel (not knowing myself how it feels) is unmooring. I did 23andMe years ago too, and specifically chose not to identify potential relatives or be identified. We have some truly nutty distant cousins, but that’s all we know about. I really couldn’t bear to know anything more.
One of my four siblings - a brother - is a bit unhinged in very similar ways to my paternal uncle (my dad’s half brother), who lived next door to us growing up. There have long been jokes in my family that he was sired by my uncle. The funny thing is, this brother and I are the only two redheads out of the five of us. Might I have also been sired by my uncle? I can’t bear the thought and heft of all of this. I’m grateful to have my father’s cheekbones to anchor me into reality (or at least to my perceptions).
How are things now with your parents? And do you have any siblings with whom you were raised?
The fascinating text that pops up when I place my pointer over the illustration at top of article appears to be the description fed into the AI that generated it. An arresting image, and it’s interesting what the AI (presumably) selected to associate with “fractured identity,” etc. For example, the scientist appears to be wearing googly eyes gag glasses. Seems to me this image could just as easily illustrate psychosis or a 60s sci-fi novel.
Lovely, Eric -- and great questions about the ethics of these situations. As you say, it does seem like full transparency is the best policy with kids. Knowing our roots is important. It's why I turned to genealogy after leaving academia, searching for a deeper foundation for rebuilding my identity. I hope those conversations continue to unfold with openness and compassion in your family.
I also like your phrase "cellular kismet." It's so strange that many of us experience that even within our own families. During my own genealogical research, I discovered that DNA isn't split equally among one's children. For instance, my ex-wife's Italian genes might be overrepresented in one of our kids, whereas another child might have a disproportionate share of my Czech genes. There are probably limits to how deterministic those gene sets are -- how "baked-in" certain traits might be. But even as the biological child of my parents, I often experienced a kind of dysphoria, thinking I was breaking from family tradition by going to college. When I discovered that one of my great grandfathers had been a professor, I had an awakening similar to yours -- a homecoming to the self, you might say.
We're all hungry for answers to the mystery of self. I think this is why almost everyone who does an ancestry DNA analysis ends up saying "That explains a lot."
Thanks again for sharing your story!
I’m 66 years old and 5 years ago I did my DNA test through 23 & me and also Ancestry. My cousin who also did hers ended up not being my cousin. But I found new cousins I had no idea about. So I contacted my new found cousin to find out how we were related. Very long story short, her mother was one of my mom’s friends in high school. Her mother had one sibling, a brother. I asked my mom about them and she acknowledged that she knew them. Then I told her that he was my father and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. So I contacted my new found dad and he denied it and acted like I was a scammer. So I gave up. I’m very close to my mom and she is 87 years old. I haven’t brought the subject up again since she said she didn’t want to talk about it.
I feel like an imposter in my family and looking back on my childhood with my mom, dad and older brother I remember always feeling like I didn’t fit in. My dad always favored my brother. My dad that raised me is gone now. He died before I found out. But the consequences of finding all of this out and my mom not wanting to tell me is very disorienting.
I loved reading your story. Thanks.
What an amazing story. I’m so glad you were able to talk with your parents about it and get it all into the open.
Dear Eric, Thank you for this well-written and compelling story. I am part of a research team (led by Dr. Patricia Hershberger at the Univ of Michigan) developing a tool that parents who have used IVF can use to help in the process of disclosing origins to their child. Your story is very consistent with the research on adults who have not learned of their origins as adopted persons until adulthood -- known as "Late Discovery Adoptees" in the literature. They report feelings such as yours --- as if the floor had fallen out from underneath them, and, as you noted, their identity had been upended. Thanks for your writing; I have shared it with the other co-investigators on our team. If you want to discuss offline, my email is hgroteva@umass.edu. I am the director (emeritus) of the Rudd Adoption Research Program at UMass Amherst. It's important for stories such as yours to be shared.
Beautifully written and very moving.
Beautifully written(as always) and I also think a very therapeutic way of venting your feelings!
Fascinating story, beautifully told.