This is how your pain manifests. I am 13, standing in front of an x-ray machine, drinking a chalky liquid filled with Barium. I’m doing this so they can look for problems in my upper digestive tract. When the results come back, my family doctor tells us nothing is wrong with me, despite the pain I feel after nearly every meal.
oh Noha, I just got to read it. It was quite brave of you to share something personal & intimate and a big thanks to you.
You're right, we become the story we tell ourselves. You must be proud of yourself that embarked on acceptance and moving forward with it. Needless to say, you are acing it girl! Keep it up :)
Beautiful writing Noha, as always. I heard Dr. Susan Davis make this distinction between, “I am (anxious)” and “ I FEEL (anxious)”. I think this distinction is incredibly helpful. “I am” suggests that your (anxiety) defines you. “I feel” puts the necessary distance between what you currently feel and your more permanent being. I would also add that in the Spanish language there is a distinction between a more permanent being (ser) and temporary being (estar). Hope this helps!
Imola, I love this! I've heard something similar about lots of negative thoughts. So if I'm thinking, "I'm not doing enough," or "I failed at XYZ", and I tell myself "I'm having a thought that I'm not doing enough," or "I'm having a thought that I failed at XYZ", it builds in that distance that helps me recognize that it's just a thought, as opposed to defining me.
The Spanish distinction is so interesting too. I love that it's there...
A counselor told me to befriend my anxiety, to get to know it and be curious about it, rather than ignore it. This was helpful because it got me to understand what anxiety is, when before I just had negative assumptions. Who wants to be called anxious?! In order to get to know it, I partnered with it in a a creative process: named it and gave it characteristics. Even wrote a rough draft of a play with me, it, and my higher power. But what comes to mind when I read your lovely post is that I don't agree with how much the label of "anxious" is put on patients by health professionals. They seem very uncomfortable with human emotion, even if it is a situation that calls for such an emotion (e.g. cancer). I no longer see anxiety as negative because I have gotten to know my own personal version of anxiety. I see it as one of my many characteristics, like you mentioned. And I whole-heartedly agree that over-identification is problematic (with anything) but did find some relief from befreinding it for a time and seeing what I could learn from being curious about its presence.
This is the truest shit. My anxiety didn’t start to subside until I stopped identifying with it. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves ultimately become our reality. 🙌🏻
Wow and rare if ever a writer can describe the innards of anxiety. You have . The little girl with nothing physically wrong ? I attempted to tell my 6 th grade class I had cancer so they would pray for me . My mother sent me to speak with the parish priest for “therapy?!!” I just remembered his name. Father Mitchell . Fat and jovial like Santa. He didn’t solve my obvious pain but listened . My mom obviously didn’t want to. Or ever look at a report card. She did gift him a very expensive bottle of scotch . The ol Catholic libation.
Oh Jennifer, this broke my heart. I'm so sorry you felt all of this. I'm glad he listened and I'm sorry your mother didn't. It's so visceral in the body, isn't it?
This story reminds me of a younger version of myself. In middle school, I stopped eating breakfast. Every time I would eat before about 11am (school days only, of course) my GI system would revolt against me, so I gave it up. It took me over a decade to realize that these symptoms were a somatization of the anxiety I didn’t know that I had and later vehemently denied having. Only in the last year have I begun reincorporating breakfast. As far as acknowledging my anxiety, I recognize that it exists and that at baseline, I still function with at least a mild level of anxiety. However, I recognized the trap of letting anxiety represent me. I manage in different but related ways. I try to take perspective on the situations that give me worry, and sometimes this just means getting outside of my own head to see what my friends and loved ones think. Other times I accept that there is no way around a situation but through it (e.g. important presentation or meeting) and just work to set my self up to put my best foot forward. This is really just an example of the most helpful tool I use, recognizing what I can control vs what must be accepted. Acceptance gets easier with practice. Sometimes I still get stressed by circumstances outside of my control and that forces me to ask deeper questions. Why do I care so much? Are my desires realistic? Am I actually living in alignment with my values and virtues? Do situations that I set myself up for give me real, lasting happiness? Etc.
Erika, I still have a hard time with breakfast about 60% of the time - I literally left a comment on Dia Becker's latest post about how I have coffee and then can't eat anything else until noon, by which time I am ravenous.
I relate to everything you described in terms of how you cope with it now. I use similar techniques. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes I pull myself out quickly and other times I spiral... I suspect it will ever be thus.
Oh darn, I lost my comment. Anyway, It was that I have been through something similar. Suffering for years then it taking two years for my body to finally give out and my pains and complete bedridden life declined into dilated cardiomyopathy. This was the reason. I am left completely devastated and angry with any doctors I have been under. Doctors depend on blood tests, even then they don’t take enough notice. Plus blood pressure. Finally tell you it is likely part of a low pain tolerance. Even two years ago, with loss of appetite and weight loss, pain and telling Dr was dying. I should be glad to be alive.. we’ll see if the pacemaker improves quality of life….
Oh Gloria, that sounds so so difficult! Your doctors sound like they didn't do their due diligence at all, and we're all at their mercy - I'm so sorry. So you have a pacemaker now? How is the pain?
I remember reading a quote years ago that always stayed with me. It said, "A tooth ache hurts just as much when you're dying." I think sometimes we're told that we should be grateful for the big stuff and ignore the small stuff, but the small stuff is still there. It can feel callous to tell us to ignore it just because the big stuff is going badly. Much love.
Very good of you Noah to comment. On a 3 month waiting list for a biventricular pacemaker. My calcs take it to 1/7. I’ll be asking for my date on 1/6. Lol. I’m not up for much at the moment. But full of hope. Love and good health to you xx
Noha, this hit me so hard and true that it's taken me this long to write a comment as an owner of this site: I grew up in a house of illness: my sister was diagnosed with type 1 Juvenile Diabetes a long time ago when this illness was not treated as well as it is today and when I was 6 and my sister was 12. The illnesses that followed were at first largely my mother who devoted her life to this illness and suffered many ailments along the way and my father whose anxiety was silent as was mine as I tired all of my childhood to stay out of the way.
Oh Mary, that sounds so difficult. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I get the urge to stay out of the way so deeply. I'm resisting that urge as much as possible, as every time I take up space, I find my life improves, even though I spend untold hours fretting about the consequences of taking up said space.
Isn't it funny how we know certain experiences are common, and yet when we experience them we assume that no one else can possibly relate, and we hide them, mostly i think from a place of shame?
So much of what I'm most sensitive and nervous about, when I write, I get the response that "I've been there too."
Oh, Noha. While I recognize that many women get the brush off from the medical establishment about their VERY REAL pain, and that this often causes lack of or misdiagnoses, I also fully believe and appreciate that we can create our own dis-ease. You are a wise woman to have been able to acknowledge that for yourself and a brave woman to be willing to work to change it. We are each so much more than our obstacles! Wonderful post!
Wow, this is beautifully written, and I identify with a lot of it. Great reading too. You give courage to many; of this I have no doubt. Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Noha. I’m with you. I’ve lived with anxiety most of my life. It’s a family malady, my grandfather had it, my mother, sister, and also my daughter have it. I do accept it and consider it a companion, but as you say it does not always (or often) need the best seat at the table.
Thanks for sharing that, Emily. I think there are others in my family who struggle with it, although I'm not sure if the recognition is consistently there. The recognition is valuable, but I am glad I realize not to let it take over when I can control that.
oh Noha, I just got to read it. It was quite brave of you to share something personal & intimate and a big thanks to you.
You're right, we become the story we tell ourselves. You must be proud of yourself that embarked on acceptance and moving forward with it. Needless to say, you are acing it girl! Keep it up :)
Bellissimo! Bravissimo!
Your prose are beautiful,
exasperstingly true,
and pure.
As a Nutritionist for GI illnesses,
I wonder if you were lactose intolerant,
Celiac, Gastritis, Inflammation from food
and/or your parents.
Your "nothing wrong" diagnosis is
standard, but devastating when serious
pain is present.
this is so beautiful. thank u for writing and sharing :)<3.
Beautiful writing Noha, as always. I heard Dr. Susan Davis make this distinction between, “I am (anxious)” and “ I FEEL (anxious)”. I think this distinction is incredibly helpful. “I am” suggests that your (anxiety) defines you. “I feel” puts the necessary distance between what you currently feel and your more permanent being. I would also add that in the Spanish language there is a distinction between a more permanent being (ser) and temporary being (estar). Hope this helps!
Imola, I love this! I've heard something similar about lots of negative thoughts. So if I'm thinking, "I'm not doing enough," or "I failed at XYZ", and I tell myself "I'm having a thought that I'm not doing enough," or "I'm having a thought that I failed at XYZ", it builds in that distance that helps me recognize that it's just a thought, as opposed to defining me.
The Spanish distinction is so interesting too. I love that it's there...
A counselor told me to befriend my anxiety, to get to know it and be curious about it, rather than ignore it. This was helpful because it got me to understand what anxiety is, when before I just had negative assumptions. Who wants to be called anxious?! In order to get to know it, I partnered with it in a a creative process: named it and gave it characteristics. Even wrote a rough draft of a play with me, it, and my higher power. But what comes to mind when I read your lovely post is that I don't agree with how much the label of "anxious" is put on patients by health professionals. They seem very uncomfortable with human emotion, even if it is a situation that calls for such an emotion (e.g. cancer). I no longer see anxiety as negative because I have gotten to know my own personal version of anxiety. I see it as one of my many characteristics, like you mentioned. And I whole-heartedly agree that over-identification is problematic (with anything) but did find some relief from befreinding it for a time and seeing what I could learn from being curious about its presence.
Misti, what an interesting and nuanced take. Thank you for all of it. I really like the idea of partnering it with a creative process too.
This is the truest shit. My anxiety didn’t start to subside until I stopped identifying with it. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves ultimately become our reality. 🙌🏻
I’m glad it spoke to you, Erin.
Wow and rare if ever a writer can describe the innards of anxiety. You have . The little girl with nothing physically wrong ? I attempted to tell my 6 th grade class I had cancer so they would pray for me . My mother sent me to speak with the parish priest for “therapy?!!” I just remembered his name. Father Mitchell . Fat and jovial like Santa. He didn’t solve my obvious pain but listened . My mom obviously didn’t want to. Or ever look at a report card. She did gift him a very expensive bottle of scotch . The ol Catholic libation.
Oh Jennifer, this broke my heart. I'm so sorry you felt all of this. I'm glad he listened and I'm sorry your mother didn't. It's so visceral in the body, isn't it?
This story reminds me of a younger version of myself. In middle school, I stopped eating breakfast. Every time I would eat before about 11am (school days only, of course) my GI system would revolt against me, so I gave it up. It took me over a decade to realize that these symptoms were a somatization of the anxiety I didn’t know that I had and later vehemently denied having. Only in the last year have I begun reincorporating breakfast. As far as acknowledging my anxiety, I recognize that it exists and that at baseline, I still function with at least a mild level of anxiety. However, I recognized the trap of letting anxiety represent me. I manage in different but related ways. I try to take perspective on the situations that give me worry, and sometimes this just means getting outside of my own head to see what my friends and loved ones think. Other times I accept that there is no way around a situation but through it (e.g. important presentation or meeting) and just work to set my self up to put my best foot forward. This is really just an example of the most helpful tool I use, recognizing what I can control vs what must be accepted. Acceptance gets easier with practice. Sometimes I still get stressed by circumstances outside of my control and that forces me to ask deeper questions. Why do I care so much? Are my desires realistic? Am I actually living in alignment with my values and virtues? Do situations that I set myself up for give me real, lasting happiness? Etc.
Grateful to have come across your post today.
Erika, I still have a hard time with breakfast about 60% of the time - I literally left a comment on Dia Becker's latest post about how I have coffee and then can't eat anything else until noon, by which time I am ravenous.
I relate to everything you described in terms of how you cope with it now. I use similar techniques. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes I pull myself out quickly and other times I spiral... I suspect it will ever be thus.
Oh darn, I lost my comment. Anyway, It was that I have been through something similar. Suffering for years then it taking two years for my body to finally give out and my pains and complete bedridden life declined into dilated cardiomyopathy. This was the reason. I am left completely devastated and angry with any doctors I have been under. Doctors depend on blood tests, even then they don’t take enough notice. Plus blood pressure. Finally tell you it is likely part of a low pain tolerance. Even two years ago, with loss of appetite and weight loss, pain and telling Dr was dying. I should be glad to be alive.. we’ll see if the pacemaker improves quality of life….
Oh Gloria, that sounds so so difficult! Your doctors sound like they didn't do their due diligence at all, and we're all at their mercy - I'm so sorry. So you have a pacemaker now? How is the pain?
I remember reading a quote years ago that always stayed with me. It said, "A tooth ache hurts just as much when you're dying." I think sometimes we're told that we should be grateful for the big stuff and ignore the small stuff, but the small stuff is still there. It can feel callous to tell us to ignore it just because the big stuff is going badly. Much love.
Very good of you Noah to comment. On a 3 month waiting list for a biventricular pacemaker. My calcs take it to 1/7. I’ll be asking for my date on 1/6. Lol. I’m not up for much at the moment. But full of hope. Love and good health to you xx
Oh Gloria, I really hope it comes through on 1/7. I don't know if you do prayer, but I'll pray for you. Love to you too.
So good of you. Yes I do prey. It is my journey. So many others dealing with so much more trauma.
Noha, this hit me so hard and true that it's taken me this long to write a comment as an owner of this site: I grew up in a house of illness: my sister was diagnosed with type 1 Juvenile Diabetes a long time ago when this illness was not treated as well as it is today and when I was 6 and my sister was 12. The illnesses that followed were at first largely my mother who devoted her life to this illness and suffered many ailments along the way and my father whose anxiety was silent as was mine as I tired all of my childhood to stay out of the way.
Oh Mary, that sounds so difficult. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I get the urge to stay out of the way so deeply. I'm resisting that urge as much as possible, as every time I take up space, I find my life improves, even though I spend untold hours fretting about the consequences of taking up said space.
Exactly how I experience existence. Exactly! And I often use this exact phrase: I don't want to take up too much space.
How many women do you think this is true for? It feels like the number would be high!!
My guess is higher than we might guess. But, truly, I am only realizing that as I age.
Yes. I think a lot of us ignore it and push back on it, just like I did, and just like you're saying you've only now realized recently you do this.
I want to think that the younger generations are more aware but I expect that's false optimism for the most part.
We definitely need to connect. I assume that Sam found you. Now I've found you!
Beautiful tale. Very relatable. Thanks for sharing this important story and advice!
Thank you so much - I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
I’ve had an experience a bit like this. Each is unique but you capture the essence of what I went through beautifully.
Isn't it funny how we know certain experiences are common, and yet when we experience them we assume that no one else can possibly relate, and we hide them, mostly i think from a place of shame?
So much of what I'm most sensitive and nervous about, when I write, I get the response that "I've been there too."
🩵
Oh, Noha. While I recognize that many women get the brush off from the medical establishment about their VERY REAL pain, and that this often causes lack of or misdiagnoses, I also fully believe and appreciate that we can create our own dis-ease. You are a wise woman to have been able to acknowledge that for yourself and a brave woman to be willing to work to change it. We are each so much more than our obstacles! Wonderful post!
Elizabeth - thank you, and thank you for the way you put it in a "yes, and" format... I ardently agree.
That is still very much a work in progress with daily (at least) course correcting to counter years of "yes but." :)
lol exactly.
Self-knowledge and self-acceptance never happen overnight...
True. It's very much a process.
I think we all have different levels of anxiety, and it's useful to read your honest account of yours. Ans Shmoopy is a Seinfeldism!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNW6CFdjMo8
It's hilarious that I forgot that! Ha! Have to go back and watch the episode now...
Wow, this is beautifully written, and I identify with a lot of it. Great reading too. You give courage to many; of this I have no doubt. Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Mike! Such kind words that I wholeheartedly accept.
Thank you, Noha. I’m with you. I’ve lived with anxiety most of my life. It’s a family malady, my grandfather had it, my mother, sister, and also my daughter have it. I do accept it and consider it a companion, but as you say it does not always (or often) need the best seat at the table.
Thanks for sharing that, Emily. I think there are others in my family who struggle with it, although I'm not sure if the recognition is consistently there. The recognition is valuable, but I am glad I realize not to let it take over when I can control that.
Yes, agreed.